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Well today has been a very interesting day. I got the new meds for bipolar disorder and so far I have not felt tired and wanting to harm anyone. Kind of interesting. I walked around getting errands and didn't panic and have the gut reaction of looking for exits and how many would I have to kill to get out of my way reaction. Also I was with the roomie with doll fetish and she didn't wig me out about her talking about her dolls like they were real. She was talking about how she found material to make new clothes for her dolls wanted new summer clothes and advised her that they wanted new clothes. I smiled and said as long as they didn't tell you to make shows everything is good.
She laughed. I was serious but ok whatever.. Went to PT and did exercises and went on new machines. Was okay and people didn't make me click either.
eats a cupcake.. lost 25 pounds in two months not too happy about that but okay... its okay....
Odd things have happened too. I have had men hit on me in IL and it was not aggressive but just odd for I walk with a cane. I smile and just walk away. Today I couldn't for apparently my driver from pt thought I needed a date for the fourth. I said no thank you but thank you for the offer. I am just not ready to go out there and date yet. I need to be more stable and such. He was nice about it..

Today got to meet my new therapist. WOW is she evil. I was expecting someone with less attitude more I don't know understanding or something. But she had to evaluate me.
She asked if I go to church. I said no. She asked if I have a husband I said no. Kids no. Family most are dead. She asked about my childhood. She was surprised I am not suicidal or a drug addict. I laughed so hard and looked at her. Why would I want to go thru this life again??? Um no..
I found out today I had lost 25 pounds in two months by just stretching and drinking a lot more water. I was a bit terrified seeing the fat come off but knew something was different in my pants. I have had a wall of fat if you would to protect myself from getting harmed again. PTSD is something else I was told has something to do with it.
Biopolar disorder 100 percent there. Irony anyone with mood swings and a serious sexual limbo apparently could have it. But she saw it and I was okay with it.
She wanted me to go to bed at 8 pm I said if the meds work sure doctor.
ROFL 8 pm that is like kiddie time zone. Not going to happen but I will try it. We will see if it works. If she works too. Never had a woman doctor that I did not like..

venting moment
A friend thought it was funny to send me a picture of Cat woman as a zombie Harley Quinn as some zombie hustler and Poison ivy as another zombie.
One not fond of walking dead for the tv show is nothing like the comic
Two Harley could never have a zombie Cat woman for she has nine lives
Three and my most um important one Cat woman in a collar??? Get reallllllllllllllllllllllllllll. Maybe the new catwoman is a woose puss but the old school one was never that uh domesticated...
blahhhhhhhhhhhhh

Okay apparently I became the cook and dishwasher in the household. um why??? For Karen does not cook or clean her dishes and such. Marilyn gets in too late and well I have in between hours and can cook and get it done. Eyebrow raised
Anyways today I actually slept for 6 hours which was crazyyyyyy. I was amazed. Never did that before. I feel like a slug and don't know what to do with myself. Walked my dog and yawned thru it. Stretched yawned thru that. ate like a snail and yawn thru that.. Shit yawning now what the heck??!!!!!
Played dragon soul got up to level 75 woot woot. having fun on that got my dragon team together muhahaha

I am not a morning person however, when a roomie is grouchy and yelling in the morning you wake up and you look around and you check up on the roomie to seeing what is going on..
This is what I woke up to. A very aggravated Jim who did not have his coffee forgot he made coffee and then growled at his computer not working right. Though it was his error not the computer. He was just really tired and he could not imagine why he was tired.
I advised him you cut down two trees with your wife out in the sun all day, you are on some cleansing diet for a few months and you have been starving for silly things like cocoa or salt. and you are grouchy for your body is having issues because you are exercising and starving it at the same time. He blinks and said um you are right. I said get your coffee that is getting cold and breathe...
I don't drink coffee but I can smell it. Walked Atka for an hour. She was just enjoying life walking around. I then made breakfast and mediated and now prepping for PT. Yep getting ready to get sore and tired. :)

Okay roomies… are wackos when on diets.. I was asked today if I would like a baked apple as a snack with them. It was a nice gesture but I was like um no thank you. I like raw apples. Green apples at that.. Wow is all I have to say. They loose five pounds for they are just eating veggies and fruits and think this diet is going to last. Cynical? Yeah. You need to eat right and healthy. There is no starch no meat no milk no fat and well I think once they are back to eating like they normally do it will come back. I on the other hand seem to be loosing weight more so fat by exercise and eating like I normally do. Which I will be honest is everything they aren't eating. :) Nuts and such. Anyways looking forward to getting back into the gym tomorrow. My core I noticed is getting stronger with the stretches I have been doing at home. woohoo.
Size 24 four sizes left and I will be at my goal. Is that safe? eh yeah I think so. I am eating small portions and drinking lots of water. So I am sweating it out. Plus I think the tens units are working on pain levels. Looking for towards Wednesday. Get to meet my shrink. For my bipolar moods and such. Looking forward to it. I have been analyzing moments and well its been a full few months without someone really looking in and helping me. So I hope the anger will stop and I wont be as rude to people.

So apparently everyone but I am on a diet. Why? I have changed my eating habits way too much to try the new diet all the roomies are trying. I have just been exercising and mediating and affirming health.
I want to be healthy not thin. LOL
So they were making healthy breakfast lunchy things and I went in and took the bacon put it in a pan and then proceeded to bake it like I normally do. There was a silence in the room of how everyone is dieting but me and so I can have whatever I want.. Eggs and bacon and brie on a sandwich baby. Still loosing sizes just not loosing weight but slimming my fat down.
I smiled as they tried to get me to eat a pretzel that isn't a pretzel and I looked at them and said thanks but no thanks. I like pretzels as is. The one on a diet karen not really dieting but eating with the rest of them. Ate one. It tasted like a cracker. I said thanks for trying it..
Since everyone roomie wise is gung ho I just refuse for diets normally fail if you cannot afford to keep it up and also get bored of food. I prefer to be a cheerleader with out following the pack.
Took a catnap. Since I barely sleep. it was nice for Atka and I were just snuggling.

It is beautiful and seriously hot out. I barely made a walk with Atka without wanting to run back in for the sun was bright and the heat was on like donkey kong…
Working on getting my body back together is like picking pieces Amber who is younger then me has eds and though she has pain she is on legalized pot. I asked her if it is worth it. For at this point I am at my witts end with my body breaking down and though younger then me I still would prefer life rather than death.
Summer has been here already and goodness thought moving away from FL would be great. NOT so much.. Yesterday forgot to mention I sweated so much my shorts melted with my body and decided to have a mind of its own. Almost mooned people..
Yeah on top of the day I had that happened. today I tied my shorts on to me and well have two tens units on me for pain levels again are high..

Today has been an eventful day of adventuring and not wanting to harm people… Yeah that… I have been in pain for a few days. I guess EDS is something you live with and move on. However my tens unit that I was using basically all day long helped my back a wee bit then today my new tens unit came and it is a bit stronger thank the universe for that. I mean wow pain makes me grumpy and for some reason headachey and craving red meat like it was nothing but a bowl of chocolate.. So I went to vocational rehab to find out what is going on with my case. Since it has been three months and nothing has been done. I need a job and or money flowing in. I am considered handicapped and I need help finding a job I can do. More so person never called me so I went to the office and stayed with doll roomie for she has a car and I had to stalk my consular. To which she was not there. It took an hour to let me know she was not there. I brought a book so I was not worried.
I got out of that seriously angry and seriously in pain. Sitting for an hour is not my cup of tea. I sprayed my knees down I had the unit on me and barely could do anything. The woman sees I have a cane and asks if I am alright. I said no I am not. But I am here trying to see what is going on with my case. I smiled politely and she said I apologize the woman who is supposed to help you isnt here. I said really? Imagine that… Rolls eyes. I walked away but thanked her for her wasting my time and putting me in pain for more then I had to endure and then roomie took me to get foodage. In which I was seriously hungry and wasn't holding onto her and the waitress was like ok. Ready set go.. Gave her my order everything was perfect and I eat in peace while my roomie was still trying to figure out what she was going to eat.
Then she got into talking about her dolls. ::: blinks::: Yes her dolls… I smiled as sweetly as I could and said politely can we not have a conversation about your weird dolls and have a conversation about something that is real? I said I am hungry and I am in serious pain. I am grateful that you took me out to the places we were out at but if I hear anything about your dolls at this point I think I am going to throw pepsi at you. I don't drink pepsi. I don't like the brand but that is how bad off I was….
Anyways she went on as though I was joking.
I counted to 5 and then repeated myself and said warning Tara is going to throw pepsi at you in one second if the doll conversation does not stop… You are freaking me out with these dolls. They are not reallllllllllllllllllllllllllll! I picked up my glass and looked at her like I dare you…. say another word with doll in it. She did . I did and proceeded to eat as though nothing happened..
Yes I was rude. Yes I was not in the mood. Yes my anemic ways were haunting me and maddness was hitting. Yes I was so freaking tired I was manic. The waitress brought napkins and I asked for them and handed them to doll roomie. In which I smiled and thanked her. she actually brought a towel for her. and got me drink that wasn’t pepsi..

Yesterday I did not move from the bed. The pain in the body was extreme. Today I forced myself to move for I had to..
I got in the pool and did swim a bit till it was my time to exercise.
Now I have to say getting out of the water was weird. The pain levels were rough to begin with getting into the water. But the fact I could get stuff down more was awesome. I was thrilled. So I am looking forward to getting more pool time if allowed. For exercising on land isn't as positive and I did feel it when I got out but it was not as bad as I thought it would be. Also did stretches I cannot do on land and well it makes me wonder what the next step will be.
Brought me back to Ballet when I was 3 to 9 years old on some of it. I forgot how I felt as a child. Till that point the teacher liked me just never understood "how a fat kid could be so graceful." And Tori a thin kid had no grace whatsoever..
My PT asked how many tattoos I had. I said a lot lost count and not all are showing why? She said they are unique and she asked what each one she saw were. By the end of the asking questions on each one she looked at. She said you are a super spiritual person aren't you? They all have symbolic meaning. I laughed and said I guess so. She smiled and said ah you are an ever learning student huh? I said yes. I am. I love to learn about God and Jesus and the holy spirit. She smiled and said you are really unique never saw a woman with Aramaic on her knowing the meaning and how to pronounce it too. I just smiled and she said you are very cat like. I smiled and said meow hiss spat that of a cat…

Well vamps and tramps today has been a day. Full of fun and adventure if you would.
My roomie is trying herself on a diet and so Karen the other roomie ( doll nut) suggested we eat dinner together with Marilyn in the sense of her diet. I eat meat daily but she doesn't now she has to. Which is hilarious. I have been loosing weight since I got here and it is because of eating meat daily. I have veggies and a fruit a day but drink lots of water. So anyways seeing her get all gung ho about dieting is odd for me. I see it as a life change and she sees it as she has to over come and conquer food. I enjoy food she apparently doesn't :(
Anyways I was surprised doll nut roomie wanted to do dinner with her because she is trying to loose weight and is much bigger than I. She has not been trying hard for she eats chocolate cake and chocolate pasteries for dinner.. or breakfast. So I am guessing she is going to be as bad as Marilyn.
I was 500 lbs I was that a and half ago. Lost up lost up to 100 pounds just cutting out diet coke. It has a lot od sodium in it and drinking standard coke when I have a hankering for it at all. She doesn't try too hard to wanting to diet so it was amazing. Marilyn on the other hand is truly trying for she doesn't feel sexy anymore. Which I don't get for she is thinner than me and she doesn't see herself as pretty at a size 20. She is going it for herself which is great. Apparently she was a size 8 when I first knew her so I get that she is wanting to try to get back down to it. I haven't been a size 20 in years and that is my goal. I am a size 24 at this point so I am getting there. I however, like myself more and know I look sexy when I want to be sexy. VEG (vampire evil grin )
Went to Pt today exercised muscles I haven't used in years. I feel good but also very freakin tired. I ate like I hadn't eaten in years. LOL Marilyn was surprised. I said eh it was a work out from heck today. I used muscles today I haven't used in years for I haven't been able to do yoga due to back injury. So I learned how to do it thru yoga balls today. Happy stretching like a cat day to me. Then worked out on the machines and got pumped got to get stress out from roomies without being rude. I try to not say anything but sometimes it is hard without hurting feelings. Karen and I just don't mesh and I don't get why she is the way she is. I tried to get to know her over the weekend and I couldn't hack it. I had to run on sunday..
Happy joy joy....
Noticed Kizzy isn't liking how Atka and I play. Kizzy was grouchie all weekend long and still is she looked at Atka and I as though we were evil. She didn't want to play she just wanted to cut out the love from us. She had scared Atka into a corner and she had an accident so besides her being food aggressive she is human aggressive. She sees me as part of the holt tribe but doesn't see why my mini tribe is treated differently then the whole I guess. She tries to egg me on with slipper grabbing. Apparently she doesn't do that. She tried to out scare even the cats for food. My room is Osiris and Atka's home very small but none the less still an area that is now gray to Kizzy. I have pampered her while he parents were away but she seems to behave oddly like I should be her mom or something at times. Can a dog get jealous? I am not sure never had someone else's dog try stupid stuff.
Gaming wise. I got a new character on dragon soul. A reaper moguel. Only got him up to 52 level so we shall see what happens with him. Muhaha have a team of dragons with a reaper how neat is that? hehehehe

Well today was fun. I went with Shaun and Amber to see Wonder woman. It was actually pretty good. I was surprised. I didn't get why she had a love interest so quick but okay whatever. The manager of AMC gave me his wonder woman pin for I asked for one and he didn't have one. After him looking so he was kind enough to give it to me. Felt like a little kid. :)
Why wonder woman the original one was my favorite super hero growing up. Linda Carter will always be the best one ever..
I went to Green Earth Grocery store and found incense and oils and well I new incense holder and also bach drops!!!! Felt loved by the universe for sure. Those things are so not sweet and so helpful with relaxing me without meds. :) So I got a few. (4)
I was asked questions about being who I am. It was actually a neat experience and I enjoy questions about life in general so I answered the questions given. :)
Thought of the day " freedom at last from Karen" Feel so relaxed I could take a catnap..

Yesterday was interesting. I am stuck with roomie that plays with dolls and writes journals for them this weekend by myself. The others went on a vacation for the weekend which was nice. They just up and left and so I had to be civil to this woman that is 70 years old and talks to her dolls. Went out for indian food. that was yummy. The company was wacked out but I was okay with not much talking and just eating.
Today has been interesting. I reikied my list of people today and got a feeling. So I went with it. I just go with the flow when that happens and decided to send more reiki to this one in which I found out he has ghosts after him for his energy it seems. I was not surprised but he really needs to show them who is boss.
Atka and Osiris were adorable bed hogs. Watched them snuggle and sleep together. Yeah sometimes my furballs just inspire comfort..

Okay today was a day of healing and relaxing for the most part. I basically played with all the animals today. We have a lot of them in the house I call a zoo. But everyone got petted and or fed and or given treats. Goodness. I feel like that is all I did all day and I know I did more.
But alas work is never done. I had to start dinner so I made bbq beef with little potatoes since that is what they wanted. Roomies make a menu and most of the time it is either me or strawberry that do the cooking. It was just odd she did not tell me anything till Karen the doll collector asked when dinner was supposed to be done. I looked at her and said strawberry didn't say anything to me. Nor did I look at my phone all day for I was abit busy with animals. So I looked there was no warning of this so you get what you get is all I can say.
Just wish there was better communication in this hippie commune new age thinga a ding..

Today at PT I was exercising and stretching out the bones. It was an awesome alignment to get back into shape. Slowly but surly. I normally thru the pain go to it so I enjoy it thru the pain.
Today however, I barely touched the machines more isometric exercises were done and it felt good to pull the muscles and align my hip again. I think I am going to have it for a while but I am also okay with it for it will make me move again.
I am sick of and tired of being weak and tired and in pain all day and night long. I would like to sleep like a normal person. I would like to exercise like a normal person and I surly would like to be able to feel like I can have a relationship again with someone if I am not broken body wise.
EDS is rough and not many people realize it but its a real thing. It is not phantom pain but stabbing pain and pain that hurts your bones sometimes. Having a relationship with someone would be rough for there are good days and really bad days.
That's why I don't date at this point. When I heal more and feel better about myself maybe I will again. Who knows.
Atka made me laugh today. She wanted to play. She is the size of fizgig from the dark crystal. So her mouth is big but her body is ever so tiny. So she was trying to be mean and bite me. I am of course laughing for she is barking and playing and really trying to be mean. But even her biting is light. So I deal with it and just smile and laugh at her. Just because she is so cute.

So today was interesting. Met a guy that does not know what a clairvoyant is and he is naturally one but he did not realize that there was a term for it. He has been trying to help all these spirits that basically suck him dry of energy and wowie he goes on a tangent when he is under one of their influences. It is funny to me for all this time his energy sucking had to be because of it. He looks for sexual energy to feed off of so he tried mine. Wrong energy to pull. In a matter of seconds the spirit got raw and realized my sexuality doesn't play apart of my spirituality. Poor spirit did not know what it did and well is gone now for that reason alone. The guy asked what happened and I told him and he was so scared he stopped talking to me. Eh well he was a newbe was not trying to train him at all.
On another note mental note to self stay away from new York style bagels and sharp knife.. I will cut myself not intentionally but hit a vein for the knife slipped. eh such is life. my fairy god mother has a toaster oven looming over my head so it is all good.

Today I go to PT finally going to get my muscles exercised like they are supposed for strengthening. I am trying to get my body back into a more healthy active body. I have not been able to in sometime for I didn't have the insurance to do so until I got it when I moved. So now I am working on everything at once at different times.
Nothing is impossible with a willing heart. So I am willing to give it a try and work on it. Not trying to loose weight but actually loose sizes and get muscle where the fat is. :)
Today did not want to get out of bed but I had to. I had felt the heat abit earlier then to be expected and literally turned my fan on and looked at my dog like lets get back inside. TOO hot almost like Orlando weather here and it is IL!!! What is up with that??

Well today I have been doing a lot of Reiki to myself. Yes I have problems like everyone else in the world. It is funny though when you do that to yourself and get the right way to heal yourself it is almost a cleansing and purging sense. Not bad just a few hiccups on the way.
I have fibromyalgia, pcos, anemia, EDS 3 type, bipolar depressive 2 type, non epileptic seizures and loosing weight more fat then weight for I want muscle mass not actually fat. Lost two sizes so far. Not bad for an old hag. :)
Bipolarism I am working on for my mind thinks differently then most and well I am not sure why I think way outside the box but I do. I think that is why I attract younger people I think. I look younger too so that helps I guess. However when the depression gets you, you have to go with the flow and feel it out. I have come to understand it but when you go thru it… It hits like a massive pain in the arse.
Last night I respoke to an ex and well feelings came up but not like I would like. My heart closed up and well I am not sure how to act around him now. Working on that too. Since last night it happened it is fresh on the mind. Why go back? Only forward. Not sure. Will see.

Hi
Welcome to my world.
Today has been a day already. Dragonsoul gaming was awesome destroyed a bunch of peeps and got to fight with my team. Finally getting up there in the ranks. Woohoo.
Atka (my little dog in portfolio if you want to see my little demon dog.) decided to get out of her comfort zone from the move roommates have animals and she is getting used to them. Yeah! She is as big as a cat but the horse we have Kizzy is abit bigger than her tried to get her bacon today and found out that Atka's mommie doesn't deal well with growling at her furbaby. Atka realized after that action that I wasn't going to let her be afraid and got into eating finally.
Osiris (my redheaded cat) finally came up to me while creating stuff in VR. So this is a good sign for my furlings. They are my babies and I love them.
As for myself I am getting used to having interesting humans as my roommates and leaving it like that for the moment.

COMMENTS

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sippa
05:55 Jun 11 2017

well, what else is their to say except, welcome sweet ladie lol

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